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The Secrecy Behind Closed Doors.

We have all heard that saying that when a doors closes an other door opens, or was it a window. Any way, this year is going by at a lightening speed and it seem like only yesterday I was celebrating the new year with family, also becoming a published author. Because I signed a release for my work, I am essentially a freelance author, just not getting paid yet. The opportunity to have anything published is fantastic, because it builds credibility and a name for yourself (even if you are not getting paid for it.) I am currently in the process of assessing my abilities to re-enter the work force through a program at the CMHA, and I am discovering stuff about myself. I can't really go into the content of what I am learning, but with any life change, it can be sudden or gradual. I think this one is gradual.

In reality, I am supported financially through ODSP and it has been a blessing throughout my depression to have this safety net. But the days are long, and time is going by and I feel at times I am missing out on the simple pleasure of having a normal job. In my twenties, I used to wake up refreshed from a great night's sleep, looking forward to going to work or finding a job. Now, in my forties, my mind has taken a lot of abuse from "disability" and simple pleasures are harder to find, as life hasn't stopped for me.

When we have a set back in life, the idea of time going on as usual is a funny thought. I thought that just because I had a set back that life would stop for me, untill I got well. I have never had to work so hard at just getting my foot in the door, and when a door closes on me now I almost feel like I am being delivered another huge set back in life. This is why mindfulness is so important to me and to my recovery. I realise now that life is short, and the more present I am in this moment gives me more moments of the awareness, that I am still alive.

It's not really a Buddhist concept, it's not a concept at all. It's a way to live your life as you deal with disability, stigma, and setbacks, that make you feel that the joy in life has been taken from you for good. The ability to feel happiness exist if you are going through a tuff time, or if all your needs are being met. I want happiness in life, and when someone tells me I can't have it it produces shame in my soul, because I believe that happiness or joy is fundamental to who I am. An elder once told me there is no science of happiness.

I disagree, whenever something good happens to me, I smile. When I enjoy a good meal I feel happy. When I have a good shower, I feel happy! When I smell a nice smell, it brings me joy. I have learned to appreciate the simple things in life because they are the moments when I am the most alive. Without these moments, I would feel dead inside. There are many things that make me happy, the trick is to find more of these moments, because what I really want from life, is more of life. This is Mike.

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